The Life & Adventures Of Teddy The Blogger

At the time of writing this blog post I have emigrated to the other side of the world, had two kids, been married, seperated, became bankrupt, avoided jail, ended up on house arrest, met someone else, had another kid and now sit here writing this post. My Life is madness.

Let’s start back in 2004. I was working at an outdoor education facility as a coordinator, travelling around the country (UK) training new instructors for the company. It is here that I met my future wife. When she arrived in early 2005 I was swept off my feet by her, she was exotic and from a country on the other side of the world to me. We just clicked. We both left the outdoor education company at the end of 2005 and moved back to my home city. I started working as a teacher/tutor and she worked in an ad management company. In 2008 our first child was born. It was at this point that we decided moving to her home country would be good for our family. So at the end of 2008 we emigrated to New Zealand. It was hard for me for the first few years because I had absolutely no family or friends here and I had to acclimatize to living here. Then in 2010 our second child was born. In 2012 I started a degree in teaching to become an elementary school teacher. I completed the degree in 2014 and started a full time teaching job in 2015. I forgot to mention we got married in 2013. Years passed by.

Then at the beginning of 2018 the world came crashing in on me. The wife had in my opinion become unfaithful and we had the chat to end it. She didn’t want to try and fix it. I moved into the garage, where I lived for a few weeks until I got my own place. Upon getting my own place I was handed the burden of all our joint debts and I decided to file for bankruptcy. For the next few months I used Tinder and met some real lovely ladies, just not what I was looking for though, so I kept searching. Later in the year I hit the Tinder jackpot in finding my current partner.

Later in 2018 I also began being risky and committed some felony grade crimes that saw me having to attend court for many months into 2019 to finally being sentenced to 2 years in jail, which was conferred to a lesser sentence of house arrest for 5 months as it was my first offence. This was a period where my mania was at its absolute worst, major psychosis spells.

In November 2019 my third child was born. At time of writing I haven’t met her yet as I am still on house arrest. It’s really heartbreaking to not hold her. Hopefully, they will visit this Friday.

Looking at today, I sit here with a lack of hope and a sense of nervousness. I have no job. I struggle to make ends meet and the outlook for me is grim. I have a criminal record, a mental illness and a degree that is now worthless. I have to start from fresh and I don’t know how I will cope with that. I feel like am constantly on fight or flight as I have no friends anymore nor do I have any of my family here to talk to. If I make one mistake am homeless or not able to eat.

Sorry for the morbid post, it helps me to write things down to identify parts of my life that have gone wrong. Anyone else out there have a similar life narrative that they want to share!

One comment

  1. You’ve seen how I can get wordy but I have a similar life journey that runs parallel to your own. My troubles didn’t start until 2014 when money struggles caused me to lose my sanity completely. My husband tried to split his time between working and taking care of me but ultimately was spending so much time trying to get me well and manage the mess I was making of the household situation, that the job who once loved him, fired him for not giving enough hours to them. And from there our family slid into absolute poverty, the pits of homelessness, starvation, poisoning from unhealthy living situations, children’s protective services, all kinds of drama started brewing because I couldn’t get my shit together mentally as quickly as everyone needed.

    But through it all I came to find mental healthcare that started putting the pieces back together in 2016. And from mid 2016 I started regularly taking care of myself (including taking my medicine) and focusing on changing the pattern of my negative tinged thoughts. In no time at all, we were offered a place to stay that was far better than what we had. Six months in that placed showed that I was making progress and could handle my own home. Divine providence happened and by January 2017 we were able to get a house for ourselves and start living as a real family again. By August 2018 I was over being zombified by my medication and ready to feel more natural to myself while maintaining control over my bipolarity.

    So I came off the heavy medicine and started low-dosing medication as okayed by my doctor. Without realizing it, I came off the medicine and immediately fell into a psychosis laced episode. But with no real knowledge of what a controlled episode looks like, we didn’t really catch the signs. And so by March of 2019 I was full blown psychotic and out of control, so much so that when I was aggressively confronted about my faith in a church and had my personhood attacked in front of a kind old lady and my children, I completely snapped and physically lost my control on the aggressor’s face. She pressed charges and I was thrown into the court system with a charge of Assault and Child Endangerment. Children’s protective services got involved again as well as me needing to go to court to address the situation.

    But things were different this time, because though I had a mental breakdown I was in a much better place. And everyone involved could see it – the police, the judge, Children’s Services – all quickly realized that I truly was unwell and just needed medical attention and time to get better. Four months after the breakdown, the courts converted my charge so that I qualified for dismissing it completely after going to at least 14 sessions of Anger Management, setting an update in court for September 30, 2019.

    By the time I got to September 30 I only had 8 sessions that I had attended. But when I came to court, calm, cool, collected, and in the most positive headspace, the judge was blown away by how different I had become in the short time since he had last seen me. And 6 weeks shy of the 14 required sessions the judge closed the case, issued a fine and set me up so once I paid the fine I wouldn’t have a criminal record.

    I share all this with you because there is light at the end of the tunnel. Starting over doesn’t have to be scary. You don’t have to feel fear about the unknown. I have found that through every down something better has come of it. So I guess my thought here is that I hope you can find a way to look at your situation as a chance to start fresh. To rebuild everything that brought you to this low place and begin with a fresh outlook on life. Once you find a way to help stabilize your thought patterns, life around you will be easier to manage. Once life becomes easier to manage, you’ll have a better perspective on which direction you need to head. And once you know which direction to head you’ll be on the path to putting everything back together.

    But all of that takes time. You are only at the beginning now. Give yourself the time to be well. To put the pieces back together in a healthy fashion so that you’ll never need to break again. I have faith you can do it. I personally know it is possible and the biggest thing that will get you there is finding appreciation and gratitude for where you are at in the moment.

    The good feelings that come with the appreciation and gratitude will help make putting yourself together more comfortable. And I believe the more comfortable you get, the better you will feel. I hope my words comfort rather than offend. I just wanted you to know that I have felt like I lost everything because of my psychosis but now I lean on my psychosis to help me feel better in every moment. So I believe wholeheartedly there is positive to be found in being “mentally unwell” it just takes time to see how special you are because of it.

    I hope you can see how unique your mind makes you and how wonderful life can be when you give your mind to appreciating all that you can and forgetting to focus on all that upsets or scares or is out of your control.

    Which I think is my biggest point, you are in control of you. You can do this. Though things may be tight, there is a path that can be found to make it work. You just have to be diligent to find the way forward and remember that doubting yourself is not the right direction to head.

    Much love and sympathy and growth in your journey is being hoped in your direction.

    Also, I went through 2 years of living in what I called a deadened zombie state where I felt out of touch with my emotions. If that’s where you need to be to give your mind a chance to heal itself, please take it. It isn’t the most comfortable to be so disconnected but it makes you appreciate the ups and downs that come once you get those feelings back. So try to settle in and appreciate the quiet of your mind while the zombie effect of the new medicine is happening. Then when you get stable as a zombie, look toward finding a different medicine that works better for you and keeps you in touch with your emotions.

    But give yourself time to get there. Because psychosis damages your brain every time you go there and makes it harder to come back from each time you lose it. So let your mind heal in the zombie state you’re in and try to enjoy the time as much as possible knowing you’re doing what’s needed to get yourself back to whole.

    Liked by 1 person

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