Am Alive! It’s Been A Dark Couple of Months.

It started in July this year, it just hit me out of nowhere, it was the darkness of bipolar depression taking over my body and mind. It has been a rough couple of months to put it lightly, made worse by being sentenced to home detention for being reckless when manic earlier in the year. I am still on home detention until the end of December.

Don’t read on if you get triggered by suicide.

During these past few months I have attempted to take my life twice, both failing terribly. Both times overdosing on pills. Both times waking up hours later feeling like shit. You see, nobody checks on me, nobody cares about me and nobody would have noticed if I didn’t exist. Loneliness is a real soul destroyer and having no one in the real world to talk to is even more of a destroyer. I have no family in the country I live, I also have no friends due to my reckless behavior when I was manic, it’s just me and my thoughts.

The cruel part is, if am feeling depressed I can’t just go out for a walk and enjoy nature, I am locked inside the four walls of my house. Sometimes, I feel that prison would have been a less cruel sentence for me as at least I would have support and people to talk too on the inside.

I know that I need to survive, I know that there is hope out there and I know that at least one person hopefully genuinely cares for me out there. The problem is I don’t see it yet and I can’t start my recovery until I find these.

Thanks for reading my waffling.

That’s it for now, more to come!

4 comments

  1. I’m here. I care. And I have been where you are at. My mania and violent and aggressive behaviors made me someone no one wanted to be around and a person my family wasn’t safe spending time with.

    And so I found myself living in a 900 sq ft. shack, completely cut off from the outside world. I didn’t have money to go places or buy things. I didn’t have internet or phone to talk to people. I didn’t have people to come and visit for days on end. It was like solitary confinement except with the blessing of being at home instead of in a dark cell.

    And what a dark place my mind was at. I was filled with this rage and anger that just wanted to yell and scream at the Universe. And so I did. I let that MFing Universe know how pissed off I was, how unfair it was to be so isolated, to feel so alone in a world of so many. I was threw my middle fingers to the air and I released all of that negativity in the direction of the spiritual entity that I felt was responsible.

    But when I got through that darkness I turned over a new leaf, because in the end, The Universe was still there for me. Listening, taking everything I had, and still giving me the gift of a life to put the pieces of my puzzle back together. And in that moment of isolation and solitude, The Unknowable Universe became my confidant and unwavering friend. Because without truly knowing why, The Universe had always had my back. Because I realized that no matter the low that my life took, there was always a high around the corner to make it feel better.

    As I started to accept that highs and lows come, I started to find more peace with my thoughts and less anger and rage at the world around. Slowly the vibration of my thoughts changed and I no longer felt like losing control all of the time. Because in my solitude I realized that I was completely out of control and I was willing to give myself completely to the Grand Divine if it would but protect me from the World of Chaos and Tragedy.

    And since I humbly extended my being out to the Universe for protection, the Universe has been there to help me in my time’s of need.

    Perhaps that’s what I could be for you. I don’t know where you are in the world, but I’m here able to comment on your writings, share anything I think would help you get out of the mindset you’re in, and listen to you when you need to talk.

    If you would like a genuine person interested in your wellbeing checking in on you and keeping a running conversation – I am that person for you.

    My bipolar has been quite the journey and I have come to a very peaceful place with it. I’d love to be there as you are going through your journey, helping you as I can from afar and being there to share words to get you through your tough moments.

    My email is exploringalura@gmail.com.

    I hope you open the door to this particular stranger humbly knocking at the door of your life, gentle requesting admission for the ride of being alive together in this interesting and wondrous world, sharing anything and everything we can to get through to a better moment in time.

    And even if you choose not to, I hope you wellness and peace of mind. Bipolar is a bitch to manage but I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel once you learn to manage the swings. I know. I am here and I am happy. Not because I’m medicated out of my mind but because I lost my mind and found a way to be happy with the broken masterpiece that came from it.

    Liked by 1 person

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