It started in July this year, it just hit me out of nowhere, it was the darkness of bipolar depression taking over my body and mind. It has been a rough couple of months to put it lightly, made worse by being sentenced to home detention for being reckless when manic earlier in the year. I am still on home detention until the end of December.
Don’t read on if you get triggered by suicide.
During these past few months I have attempted to take my life twice, both failing terribly. Both times overdosing on pills. Both times waking up hours later feeling like shit. You see, nobody checks on me, nobody cares about me and nobody would have noticed if I didn’t exist. Loneliness is a real soul destroyer and having no one in the real world to talk to is even more of a destroyer. I have no family in the country I live, I also have no friends due to my reckless behavior when I was manic, it’s just me and my thoughts.
The cruel part is, if am feeling depressed I can’t just go out for a walk and enjoy nature, I am locked inside the four walls of my house. Sometimes, I feel that prison would have been a less cruel sentence for me as at least I would have support and people to talk too on the inside.
I know that I need to survive, I know that there is hope out there and I know that at least one person hopefully genuinely cares for me out there. The problem is I don’t see it yet and I can’t start my recovery until I find these.
Thanks for reading my waffling.
That’s it for now, more to come!