Hello Again Depression

For a few days, no, actually weeks there has been something off about my mood. I have lost any enjoyment I had in life, I am sleeping a whole heap more, can’t get out of bed and just generally feel worthless. Top this off with suicidal ideation on a daily basis, you can say life has been shit of recent.

On the plus side I see my psychiatrist on Monday who can hopefully use their magic brains to fix my broken one.

I just need to get rid of this depression and I will be good, I hope.

11 comments

  1. my battle with depression also has been persistent in the past. I was mired deeply for over a decade. I do not say this to dash your hopes. I will say that I have found I also have a responsibility to do what I can to aid the process. I exercise, eat properly, drink moderately and spend time doing things outdoors. Do whatever you can do to help your recovery and the “magic brains” will have an easier task to assist you. By the way…you are not broken…we don’t tell people with cancer that they are broken…neither are you, my friend.
    John

    Liked by 3 people

  2. We are not broken, it just takes us longer to reach ‘happy’ (whatever that is). I cycle in and out of depression pretty regularly. My advice – go to a psych hospital for the suicidal thoughts. I know they can’t fix you faster there, but they can keep you alive and safe until the magic pills kick in ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I went to see my specialist a few days ago and lo and behold they lost my notes, so I had to sit there with a complete stranger and go all over it again. that made me more depressed.

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  4. Thank you for the follow on my blog. I’m always hoping to find similar mentally challenged minds to converse with.

    You mentioned depression mixed with suicide idealization. That was something that I struggled with. How I got through it was to turn the suicide idealization into a positive. I took my tendency to want death and for my suffering to be over as the mentally unwell side of my brain. I created a small spot where I demanded I never act on my mentally unwell feelings. And then I went about creating positive thoughts to counteract the negative of the suicide idealization. Most of my thoughts revolve around the peace I desire in the world.

    So the biggest part of my suicide idealization is the reality that I live in a world that goes against my peaceful nature. The lack of peace in the world creates a rebounding negative presence to my being causing me to act against my nature. It drives me to want to be free of the world in the worst way. I long for death every moment.

    But wanting to die brings the awareness that I am not living like others. I have a different perspective. My desire to die goes against the norm. And so I like to sit in my desire for death and give a look around and lend words to the reality that is my mind. For I have found with deep introspection that my view of the world is far more positive than most of the non-mentally unwell people. It’s an interesting flip on normality.

    So I guess I reach out to you wondering what is at the root of your wish for death? What is fueling your depression? Are you unhappy with yourself? Are you unhappy with where your life is at? Have you made too many choices that you regret? Is there someone you wish were a part of your life? What exactly is making your down so down?

    I would love to chat with you about what’s going on. I tend toward the up and manic side of things. My depressive states are short lived and swing rapidly into another manic episode. So I’m insanely curious to get into the nitty gritty of how other minds find themselves in the depressive state. I am up for chatting in whatever way feels most comfortable for you.

    I just experienced a mental breakdown over a looming court date this past Monday. I had wonderful success with managing my out of control mind. I wrote about it in two different posts.

    The first was while under the effects of the tranquilizer given to me at the hospital.

    https://exploringalura.wordpress.com/2019/06/18/tranqed-explanation-of-breakdown/

    The second was the following morning as I had come off the tranq but still felt decent.

    https://exploringalura.wordpress.com/2019/06/18/the-perfect-breakdown/

    I share these in case you would like to explore the mind of a bipolar who is starting to understand her illness and making living life successfully a realistic goal. I want to share what I have learned with others who are going through it so I can help them and help myself better learn about our shared symptoms. I’m looking now to isolate what is me being me and what is my illness making me unwell. For that I need glimpses into other willing minds to find out how their illness manifest for them.

    At the heart of my request is the deep desire to connect with others. I feel lonely and isolated in my world and I am ever out to find others to brighten my day and share words with me.

    Much love and luck in your day and I hope you have found yourself to many blessings to make the day that much lighter.

    Like

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