Not a doctor-just my stories

So I talk a lot, I talk fast, sometimes my mouth can’t keep up with my brain and I jump to a third sentence when the first two are still in my head. Sometimes I catch myself when I am about to tangent and I announce to my husband that I am “jumping” meaning I am about to wildly change topics.

I have had mood disorders since I was a kid, not really diagnosed until I was forty-five when I first heard the term racing thoughts. Basically, my brain can go into overdrive, thoughts pinging and careening, I now imagine my brain like a pinball machine. It does not mean I am more intelligent, mostly it makes me tired, and sometimes very loud when I am happy or excited.

I am bipolar a term I hate, so many variations in symptoms. Most of the time I am not manic or depressed. I can have heightened anxiety, heightened empathy causing anxiety or panic from things I have read or seen that don’t relate to me directly, looping thoughts I can’t stop, but I am not running around in a garbage bag punching people like Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook (good movie, good book) or a spy? Never seen Homeland.

I recently read that polar bears are from the north pole and penguins from the south pole (and some temperate zones) so unless they are in a zoo would never meet in the wild. (This is probably something I should have known but I saw it on a poster in a children’s room in the library and had an aha moment for a blog) Most of the time I am neither up (polar bear) or down (penguin) I shoot for the equator but I might refer to my animal friends sometimes in posts to express how I am feeling.

I take some anxiety meds and a mood stabiliser. I am also pre-menopausal now, main symptoms–you guessed it mood swings, just like bipolar symptoms. Really? Cosmic joke? Am I bipolaring or hormoning right now? Does it matter? Probably not, I overthink it.

I am going to write about my thoughts, musings, or intrusive thoughts (what I call going dark where the least likely scenario is the one I think might happen and I worry about it) I operate from least likely to most likely. If I could reverse it, well, less tired. I look at most of these thoughts and feelings with humor which works for me although mental health issues are no joke.

I have a good life, loving husband, two dogs, a job I love, librarian. No complaints but getting my zooming thoughts down somewhere would be therapeutic. Good for me maybe of some interest to others. So here we go off to the racing thoughts.

D–