It’s back, and it’s back with a vengeance. I haven’t suffered with anxiety for over a decade. Back when I first had it I was going through some tough times, which I overcome. This time around, like the last time is when I am going through tough times. I did some not so good things last year while in the worst manic episodes I have experienced. This was a manic episode that lasted most of the year. The trauma of my marriage breaking down, not seeing my kids everyday and work related stress were all the catalyst that caused my destructive downfall.
This downfall was not just a simple spend a bit of money, buy things on impulse, etc. This was a downfall that left me with $40,000+ of debt, declaring bankruptcy and selling things that didn’t belong to me. In reflection I believe I took on the persona (personality) of a mafia boss, and that is no word of a lie. I felt indestructible, I felt like everybody owes me something, that the high rolling life style was the way to go. It wasn’t, and it all came crashing down. That is what I am dealing with these next few weeks, trying to fix all the destruction and mistakes I made.
So the anxiety, nearly forgot that is what I am writing about. For the past few days I haven’t been able to sleep. Combined with severe paranoia, in the sense that I think everyone outside my house is trying to get me. I have been keeping all the doors and windows locked, even having all curtains closed. This is not like me. As a result I contacted the local crisis team, makes it easy because they already know me, all the mental health services collaborate with each other which makes dealing with them much easier. I was initially taken into residential respite care and prescribed lorazepam. This didn’t help and I discharged myself the following morning.
When I got home I again contacted the crisis team who organised for my case worker and psychiatrist to prescribe me some Valium. I took my first dose last night and it helped so much, it calmed me and suppressed my racing mind. One thing that this who drama taught me is that I am still operating in a manic mood with some psychosis. I have an appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist who I am sure will want to review my medications. Turns out she was right, she kept telling me I was in a manic mood and we needed to stop it, I was always in denial.
I have now accepted my current state and hope it get’s better now that I have come to appreciate that I am current manic.