It’s not often that I reflect on the events of the last four months, so here goes, I am going to spew all of the thoughts in my head down onto the keyboard. I am borderline manic at the moment so apologies for any grammatical errors you find.

It all began in January 2019, this was the beginning and the end of two important life events. Firstly, it was the beginning of my illness being public and an accumulation of events hitting a high point. I had a mental breakdown. It wasn’t a slow progression instead I exploded internally one night. I “attempted” suicide. I use the word attempted loosely as I believe it was more a self-harm that actual suicide attempt. It was the end of suffering in silence. Now, most people who knew me heard about my breakdown. I was no longer hiding this other person inside me, it felt good for it to be out there.

Following on from the breakdown I was then a patient of the local mental health crisis team. The day after the eruption I had to go for an assessment, this was to determine whether I needed to be an inpatient. Lucky for me I didn’t have to stay in hospital. I was sent home awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist. The appointment was three weeks away. I had to deal with all my inner demons for three weeks without any treatment.

When my appointment finally arrived, the psychiatrist gave me a medical once over, organised a range of tests and send me for bloods. I was initially started on 400mg Lithium and Quetiapine and sent home which another appointment a week later. The following week after more blood tests my lithium was increased to 800mg and quetiapine switched out for olanzapine to help me sleep and put an end to my manic episodes. These appointments kept on weekly for about a month.

I now see the psychiatrist once a month, I also have a case worker who keeps in touch with me and my medications seem to be in balance, although I have a multitude of side effects which you can read about in this blog. In general I feel somewhat stable most of the time but with that comes paranoia which I have started to see an increase in. The doctor says it will pass.

Sitting here today its nice to reflect on how the journey has been and how I have coped and changed over this time. The medication has made me feel older, the weight is increasing but I am stable. All I need now is to stop the weight gain and get me a job so I am not sitting at home all day with nothing to do.

I am going to try and reflect every quarter, I find it really helps me and my illness.

Over and Out…